Thank you for coming to visit my page about Post-Natal Depression. I decided to use this webset because it makes me think of having 'hope', something that can sometimes be severely lacking while you have post-natal depression.
I have had post-natal depression twice now - once in 1998 after my son Toby was born, and once in 2002 when my daughter Chloe was born. For me, both times lasted about a year, and at the end of the year my body and mind just returned back to the normal happy-go-lucky, optimistic person that I normally am.
When I had my son in 1998, I had heard of post-natal depression before, though coming from the USA we calld it post-partum depression. I was 21 at the time, had just moved to England, and I put most of my depression down to not knowing many people in the country and being away from my family and friends - because I have always gotten homesick no matter how far away I've gone *smiles* I didn't entirely understand what was happening to me though, even though I excused it with the above excuse - I think part of me knew it was something more.
I loved my son so much. I tried really hard to be a 'good mother' or what I thought was a good mother, and although I sometimes had visions of hurting myself, I never had any thoughts about hurting him. I tried my best, and I attempted to act 'normal' as much as possible, but it was all so hard, and I eventually got to the point that I knew that I was going to breakdown, and I didn't want my son caught in the crossfire. I didn't want him to be neglected, or not taken care of in the proper way, and even though he was only a baby, part of me also didn't want him to see me in the state that I was in. I told my husband that I couldn't be a mother anymore, and that really upset him because he hadn't realized how bad it had gotten - that I could barely handle myself much less an innocent child. We spoke to social services, but in the end my husbands parents took Toby, on the condition that if I was never able to take care of him again, they were willing to have him until he was eighteen. They were, and so they took him.
That was one of the worst days of my life - I was so upset that I just cried and cried for days on end. I didn't want to be a horrible mother, I wanted to be really good, and I wanted to be able to love my son the way that he deserved to be loved. I did feel good about myself that I gave him up, and some people could never understand that, but I think the selfish thing to have done would be to keep him with me when I knew that I wouldn't be able to properly take care of him for much longer. Instead, I saw what was coming - my complete mental and emotional breakdown - and I did what was best for my son, something to which this day I am so very proud of myself for. It wasn't easy, there were times that I missed him so much that I wondered if I could ever forgive myself. It was at those times though that I reminded myself of what a loving mother I was by doing what was best for him, and not what was best for me. It hurt more than anything though to know that the best place for Toby was not with me, but with his grandparents.
About a year after Toby was born, I became myself again. I can't say that I was the most happy person in the world, because I was still so far away from home (my home is in Wisconsin, USA and I was still in the UK), but I was more 'me' and my husband and I discussed taking Toby back again. It was a hard decision to make - we knew we didn't want him to be on a yo-yo, so if we took him back, it had to be for good. We knew that we were ready and so in January of 2000, Toby came back to live with us again. We were so happy to be a family again :) In total, he had spent seven months with his grandparents, which I will be forever grateful to them for.
We then decided that we wanted another baby in 2001, and we thought we knew what we were getting into. My pregnancy was horrible, as per usual, and in addition to post-natal depression I got ante-natal depression as well. Which meant even before my daughter Chloe was born, I had difficulty going out of the house, or seeing people, etc. My husband was going through his own issues at the time as well, which didn't make it very easy for us as a couple. Chloe was born in January, 2002, and after that we thought things would get better. They didn't though, and in February, 2002 Ross and I had to admit that I had post-natal depression for the second time.
I thought once I recognized it that I could control it by myself. I thought with a little support from my husband, I would be okay for the most part. I was so very wrong. Like I said, Ross was going through his own issues at the time, and although he does say that he tried to help me to the best of his ability, he really didn't help at all, in fact he made things worse for me. Things were so up in the air at the time that we were even talking about divorce, and as I couldn't even take care of myself, much less my children, I was completely reliant on Ross - which is what he wanted to get away from. Add to that that my daughter Chloe was dianosed with Ring22, a rare chromosome disorder in December of 2002, and you can see that our little house made of cards almost came tumbling down.
I was much worse with the post-natal depression after I had Chloe. I think this had to do with the fact that the first time around my husband was very reassuring to me, which helped me a lot. This time he wasn't, most of the time he just left me 'to get on with it' which simply doesn't work if you are depressed. Eventually he would come and give me a hug or show me that he cared, and after that I was usually able to pull myself together, but it took a lot of work on both our parts and it didn't help that the idea of 'divorce' was always looming on the horizon. At some point during the year I was having real problems, and was forced to go to the doctor to get anti-depressants. Which did help, but I think now that I should have been on a stronger dose.
The same thing happened as with Toby - about a year after I had Chloe, the post-natal depression gradually slipped away, and I became 'normal' again. It took Ross and about a year to fully go through all of the issues that these problems had brought up.
I've explained how it all happened, but I haven't really gone into how post-natal depression makes you feel. It is the opposite of this webset - you lose your hope. You lose your sense of worth - you must get your sense of worth through someone else, and if that person doesn't give it to you, well, for the most part you stay a mess until they come around and help you out. For me this resulted in things like hiding under tables to feel 'safe', hitting myself over the head with a glass, trying to kill myself twice, and not always being able to do the things that I should have been able to do - like go to work (luckily I had a kind boss), take care of my children, or even take care of myself. It robs you of who you are, and its one of the most terrible feelings in the world.
Ross says that it is also hard for the husband because even if or when they want to help, the depressed person doesn't always accept that help until they are ready to accept it. I think this is true in some ways - I remember believing sometimes that I deserved all of the pain that I was in, and I wouldn't let anyone help me or make me feel better because I truly believed that I deserved it. It would take me thinking and thinking to finally accept any help. However, your thinking is so skewed - you see yourself as the center of the universe, and everything that anybody else does is in relation to you - so if they make a bad remark, its obviously about you and you react accordingly. If they make a good remark, sometimes you accept it, but if you're having a bad day, you think they are lying to you, and you get angry with them for lying to you. I can see why my husband says the things that he does about post-natal depression, though I can't completey understand what it is like for the husbands as I've never been in that situation.
If someone you know or love has ever had post-natal depression, please be kind to them. Even if they are horrible to you - they don't mean it, they just want you to love them and care about them, and although it may be tiring, you have to show that over and over again to prove it to them. If you don't, there could be catastrophic consequences. And always remember that its NOT the womans fault - nobody can help being post-natally depressed, and its not something anyone can just 'snap out of'. It doesn't work like that, and if you care about the person, then you need to help them in the best way possible.
If YOU are the one with post-natal depression, remember that it DOES end. It is not permanent, it will end for you, and you will go back to being your 'normal' self. Just remember in the meantime to talk to people who understand, do your best to talk to your husband/significant other (if there is one) and remember to get out and about - do not stay in your house whatever the cause, because once you are there for a few days, it is so much harder to get up and leave. Most importantly, remember that you DO have value, remember what you used to be like, and remind yourself that THIS person right now is NOT you in any way, shape or form, so do not blame yourself for anything that you may do or feel. It is NOT YOU that is doing or feeling these things. And remember to have hope that it will get better... and that you are NOT alone!
Listed below are a few Post-Natal Depression Links - please feel free to check them out. Also, if anyone ever wants to talk, please don't be shy, simply email me at this address remembering to get rid of the NOSPAM first. I hope to hear from you soon :)
